In case you were wondering, they're probably not doing it for attention.

Another way to understand "attention-seeking" is "support-seeking."

Your teen might desperately wish they understood what is happening to them but lack the words or awareness to identify their feelings. Note: “numb” = “so many feelings I don’t even know where to start”. Those who engage in self-harm usually do so with the intention of not doing it forever (let this be an encouragement!)

When a brain is overwhelmed with emotions, the body can shut down and feel "numb." If these pent-up emotions are suppressed for too long, your teen might begin to panic and search for a way to feel again. This usually indicates intense emotional pain with a lack of coping skills. Self-harm is often a symptom (not the main problem) that signals something deeper is wrong.

You might be wondering, "Okay, that's great... but why didn't they tell me?"

You're not alone in feeling this way; discovering self-harm marks can provoke anger, shock, and sadness in many parents and guardians. Hiding evidence of harm is typically driven by fear of disappointment or fear of your potential reaction.

Invitation to pause

When you first find out, your emotions will likely be overwhelming. This is a crucial time to take a deep breath and perhaps go for a walk. Check in with yourself and identify what you need. Acknowledge your emotions, validate them, share what you're feeling with a trusted friend or family member, and return to your teen only when you're feeling calm.

Remember: your teen already carries significant shame and guilt, which is likely what has been driving them towards self-harm. Scolding, punishing, or expressing disgust will only cause them to retreat deeper into shame and secrecy—or towards more problematic behaviors.

Once you've acknowledged and processed your own feelings, it should be easier to truly listen to your teen. They may not want to talk right away, and whatever they need, do your best to respect it. If they look sad, offer a hug—and if they want it—simply hold them and let them cry. If they appear angry, you could suggest a walk or taking them out for ice cream while not prying for information. These are just ideas; you know your teen better than I do. And even if you can't tell what they need, you can always ask, "What do you need right now?" If asking feels awkward, consider jotting down a note with checkboxes for options (e.g., water, space, food, a hug), maybe passing it back and forth under their door, and respecting whatever they choose.

Creating a safer environment

Once you've identified that your teen is self-harming, it's essential to remove or lock up potentially harmful items like sharp objects (knives, razors, safety pins, etc.), medications, and firearms. In therapy, creating a safety plan for self-harm is a vital step, but keeping it up-to-date and making sure it is useful is equally needed. You and your teen can find various templates online and work together to develop a plan you both feel comfortable with. This plan should include naming triggers, identifying trustworthy people to contact in an emergency, and listing places and activities that serve as helpful distractions.

Other ways to help your teen

Spending quality time together and engaging in activities your teen genuinely enjoys are both excellent distractions and rapport builders. Strengthening your bond and being a refuge means they will be more likely to reach out for help in the future. You can also encourage healthy habits like consistent sleep, nutritious food, and physical activity, all of which contribute to better emotional well-being. Remember, teens who feel good are less likely to self-harm. Help your teen identify other trusted adults they can talk to (teachers, coaches, family members) and be mindful of how you manage your own stress and emotions, as your teen will be observing you.

Teen Link

Teenagers often feel more comfortable opening up to someone their own age who might understand their experiences firsthand. Teen Link offers confidential, peer-to-peer support from trained youth volunteers. This accessible service provides a safe space for teens to talk about their struggles without judgment, helping them feel understood and less alone. It's a valuable first step for early intervention, empowering teens to seek help and connect with further resources if needed. Teen Link is available all week from 6-10 PM and can be called or texted at 866-833-6546.

It might get worse before it gets better (and this is normal)

It's important to stay patient and hopeful, as "self-harm relapses" can occur before significant improvement. Continue to offer consistent encouragement and support throughout your teen's process. I strongly encourage all parents with teens who are self-harming to invest in a counselor or therapist their teen feels they can connect with. One of the primary goals for therapy is giving your teen better tools to cope. This will hopefully lead to your teen discovering a “menu of options” they enjoy more than cutting. It will likely take months to address the core issues and for your teen to begin feeling better (note: if your teen has complex trauma, it will likely take much longer). If you start to feel worn down to the point of despair or hopelessness, that could indicate it’s time for you to seek support for yourself from a parent support group, parenting coach, or an individual therapist/counselor.

If you suspect your teen is intent on suicide*, seek emergency help immediately:

Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) — I've called them with suicidal clients before, and the staff have been kind and helpful!
If you determine that the risk is high, take them to the nearest emergency room (ideally the one listed on your safety plan if you and your teen made one).
Do not leave them alone.

*If you’re unsure how to tell if your teen is suicidal, this suicide risk screening tool is free and available online. Asking if someone wants to die and gauging the seriousness will not make it worse. While it might make you uncomfortable, it is a very important step.

Dear Parents and Guardians of Self-Harming Teens,